apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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