i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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