You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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