just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
