For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
