Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
