question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm getting married
To pizza
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
