I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
