you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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