who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You're like the curious george of whores
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We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
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Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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