false alarm. still invincible.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
