remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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