and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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