Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
