the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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