WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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