I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
