Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
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I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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