Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
