I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
they call him Oral-B. enough said
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When are your genitals available?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
