remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
