dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
