This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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