I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
