my phone needs a breathalizer
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
