What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
