don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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