I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
