I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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