Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
