I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
