He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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