i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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