dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
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