The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
