I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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