I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
