I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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