we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize