ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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