Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
