I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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