somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
