i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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