My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My penis needs a shock collar
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
