Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i think i have two assholes
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
