Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
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