having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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