I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
