In the future we'll all be gay
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
