im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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