If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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