Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Holy sore nipples Batman
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
