Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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