The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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