Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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