HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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