why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
home. puking in laundry basket.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i think my cat just said my name.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
